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Dooderonomy 48

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I trust that everyone is taking great care and staying safe amidst the pandemic.

Due to the ‘new normal,’ people around the world are turning to online shopping ever more than before. This has resulted in online retailers adding billions to their revenue while brick and mortar stores struggle to keep up with the loss of customers. It is a sad state but the world will eventually heal and adapt to the circumstances.

I have always been an online shopper. There is a major reason for this but it’s not what you would guess. I am just lazy. It is nice to sit on your backside and have stuff come to your door. Even in Zambia now more and more companies have started to offer delivery of goods, food, booze and other stuff to your doorstep. This has a huge advantage especially during the times of coronavirus when social distancing is required.

There are many choices of websites to shop from locally and internationally. One of my favorites is, without mentioning names, the largest online retailer in Asia and has a very charismatic leader who struggled all his life to even get a job at a fast food chain before becoming the richest man in the country. The reason I like the website is because you can find stuff on it which would never be available anywhere else or maybe even banned in most places.

During my shopping some of the items I came across which I feel the need to share, unfortunately I cannot share pictures as it could lead to me getting into trouble, but really wish I could:

Black spider earrings – Why use any normal earrings, especially the ones with great African designs when you can spook everyone with amazingly real looking spider, including the black widow spider?

Hairy chest hoodie – This is a hoodie which basically has a hairy chest printed on the front, complete with a pot belly, disgusting navel and bright pink nipples. Not really sure who the target market is. I am guessing someone who isn’t well endowed with body hair. So, if you are that person and want to look like a neon-nippled chimpanzee, you are in luck.

Chicken wing pillow – I often go to sleep salivating but this could be the solution. You get pillows which exactly look like chicken wings, just much bigger. It’s something to drool on all night but without adding calories.

LED eyelashes – I agree that a bit of makeup really makes a woman’s eye pop, maybe even a man’s if that is what you wish. Imagine if every time you blink coloured LEDs flash on the edge of your eyes. I am not sure who will be blinded first, you or the person looking at you but this is next level stuff. Powered by a tiny battery, the worst that could happen is burning your eyelashes but you do not need be worried about being electrocuted.

Fake poo – The worst part of this is that you have many options to choose from – but I am not going to say anything further.

Buttscratchaaaa – This is one item which I have bought. It’s an extendable stick with a fork like end which is shaped like a small hand and made of steel. An amazing device I’m sure. I can’t wait to have mine delivered and I’m already dreaming of the satisfaction the itchy scratchy will bring.

Pet mane – Have a cat that doesn’t look like a lion? Go for it and put an elasticated mane around your animal so that the hatred it has towards you can increase exponentially. It says that it can also be used on babies and children. This world is getting weirder every passing day.

Lip enhancer – This is no dose of Botox or any injection which will enhance or swell your lips. Imagine having easily washable, color of your choice silicon molds which you just slot over your lips. Now that is next level stuff. You will end up looking like an idiot but you would have saved a lot of money on not having to buy lipstick. You lose some but you win some.

Pimple popping popper – I cannot even pronounce this without stuttering. If you are someone with pimples (facial or otherwise) and also have knowledge of using a cheese grater then you are fully qualified to use this. It is basically a cheese grater which isn’t made of a metal but a softer rubbery material. You literally grate your skin and the pimples are gone.

Grass flip flops – I do like the idea of having artificial grass in the gap between my foot and the base of the flip flop, it will give me a ‘gardeny’ feel every time I walk. I have ordered these.

Suture training kits – Not sure what the end goal of this is. It comes with some skin resembling silicon and also has all the necessary needles and threads that come with a suture kit. Also, in the box is a manual on how to suture at home. I know that knitting was a dying industry but was always wondering of what the replacement would be.

Donald Trump Toilet Brush – I have ordered one.

Donald Trump / Vladimir Putin (Pack of 2) Underwear –For a mere $3.99 you can wear the two best friends on your body.

Apart from the shopping, I wanted to watch Straight Outta Compton recently but ended up watching Snake Outta Compton by mistake. I am now mind-numbed for life.

Dooderonomy will resume later, until then goodbye.

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